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A client died...

So I'm talking with a friend of mine from my old job today, and I find out that a bunch of our old clients have died. Many of them from overdoses and shit, some from accidents, and some from illness.

The one that was kind of... upsetting is not the right word, but lets just say I was affected by the news, was about this one gentleman we'll call Alan. Alan was a middle-aged man who had many problems, one of which (or two or three) was drug and alcohol abuse. Alan came to our centre straight from jail, and if I recall correctly, he'd been there for having killed someone. At least that's what I remember him telling people, but I don't remember if that's correct. After him having been in our program for a week or so, it became apparent that he wasn't really there to quit, he was really just there to get out of jail early. In addition to his poor motivation, he started cheeking his meds, and taking "extra" doses of ritalin, and lying to the staff. He became such a destructive individual, that we all decided that it was time for him to go. We called in the breach, for him cheeking his meds, and he went back to jail. He was very angry, and very bitter that we'd sent him back, and the whole thing was very frustrating. He just didn't get that he'd made his own choices, that by choosing to disregard the rules, he was choosing to leave. He just didn't see it that way, and was constantly blaming everyone else for his situation instead of himself.

About a year later he killed himself... hung himself in his jail cell or so I'm told. I understand that his suicide note had a mention about our facility, and us sending him back to jail. Now I don't feel responsible or anything like that... this guy had issues, and he made his choice. There was nothing that we could have done really, overlooking the fact that he was cheeking meds, and possibly using other substances wouldn't have helped him in the slightest, and would have put us all in danger. What annoys me is that there's some people who never ever see the light, not until the day they die. That they continue in their blindness, and their insistance that they are right, and that everyone else is wrong, and that they are perpetual victims.

I hate victims. Few things trigger me more than victims. Probably because I lived as a victim for most of my life, and that's something about myself that I'm always trying to work against, because I can't stand myself when I get that way.

I've always believed that everyone will eventually see the light, but obviously some people never do, and that upsets me. I don't want me, or anyone else I care about, to die in such a deluded fashion. I just don't want it to happen, and there's nothing I can do about it.


( 8 comments — Leave a comment )
May. 4th, 2004 11:47 pm (UTC)
Yes, it all comes down to personal responsibility. I believe the same things is true with my students - they hate getting caught more than they feel bad about breaking the rules and, thus, blame you for catching them.

It is as if the fact that you don't share their immorality, or lack of ethics, or whatever, is the real crime in their mind.

Some folks will never get it but that is fine. They don't get us either and they are able to take comfort in the fact that their miserable lives are our faults and not theirs.

In American, we call these people "Conservatives," except for the conservatives who call these people "Liberals."
(Deleted comment)
May. 5th, 2004 07:04 pm (UTC)
I am here to do that. :D
May. 5th, 2004 07:05 am (UTC)
In American, we call these people "Conservatives," except for the conservatives who call these people "Liberals."

That got the biggest chuckle out of me, that I've had for the past couple of weeks! :P

I don't understand where these people come from, being raised with this lack of personal responsability. This reminds me of my father having a strong dislike for... Billy Joel's? song "We Didn't Start The Fire." He felt the entire song was a huge blaming game of the mistakes of the older generations, and no responsability taken for the younger generations. I never understood what he was getting at, but now it seems so clear.
May. 5th, 2004 07:05 pm (UTC)
Heh. Yeah, shirking is a national pasttime.

At some point, though, somebody has to pick up the fricken crumbled up McDonald's wrapper on the grass. It might end up being a vegatarian, but if they don't do it, who will?
May. 5th, 2004 02:47 pm (UTC)
I was aboyut to write today but I always read my friends list first....

My entry today was about Heena, a 15 year old client of mine. She killed herself this morning. I don't really feel like writing about it now, though, but seeing your entry just kind of gave me a "Whoa! Me too" thing.

So, anyway. Don't know why I even made this comment, just thought it was interesting.

May. 5th, 2004 05:29 pm (UTC)
Re: Whoa
I'm sorry to hear about that :/

Yeah, I know the feeling... I always feel... upset when a client dies. It happens all too frequently :(

May. 6th, 2004 01:12 pm (UTC)
hey.. sounds like me.. the insitence that everyone else is wrong and i'm right anyhow..

you can't just look at it from your point of view thinking that your experiences make you a better judge of what's "right" for a person.. that's just as arrogant as saying other people are wrong and you're right.

as for me, i'm convinced that i'm generally right, and i know what's right for me, and if anyone else tries to impede on that without a damned good reason for _me_ then they're wrong.

i dunno, it's difficult to explain

but, i'm not focused on such things now, since i just nailed my AP Calculus and Statistics exams :)
May. 7th, 2004 06:54 am (UTC)
( 8 comments — Leave a comment )

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