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Holiday Eating Tips!

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt scotch. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-aholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or, if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.

10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Reread tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.

Remember this motto to live by:

Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, martini in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming WOO HOO what a ride!

Have an amazing day!



( 13 comments — Leave a comment )
Dec. 21st, 2004 04:32 pm (UTC)
11. If you get candy or cookies as a gift open and eat them quickly. If you can't finish them, atleast lick your finger and touch the rest so as to ward off the "Christmas goodies" vultures that will soon be circling you.

I made it a point to eat ALL of the cookies I got from jinwicked in one setting so as not to have to share them with co-workers this morning.
Dec. 21st, 2004 04:56 pm (UTC)

I've found that sneezing on them will also ward off vultures :D
Dec. 21st, 2004 07:26 pm (UTC)
ooo yeah sneezing...that's a good one. And based in some pretty sound historical mythology too.

6th century medieval folks also noted that sneezing could be a harbinger of doom; specifically that it heralded the onset of the Black Death, a.k.a. The Plague. In fact the popular children’s rhyme "Ring Around The Rosie", which we all know is about the plague, includes the refrain, "ashes, ashes, we all fall down." Purportedly this a corruption of an earlier refrain "achoo achoo, we all fall down."

And I can sneeze like a mofo...no little prissy cat sneezes here. I inhale deep the gather gloom and let'er rip generally resulting in a spray of bodily fluids out nearly every orifice in my head (and sometimes a couple that aren't in my head...thats prolly a little too much information). Rest assured that no one touches my cookies after that.
Dec. 21st, 2004 08:19 pm (UTC)
Lmao...this entry rocks my socks XD I especially like this one:

"3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat. "

I love love LOVE gravy...I pour it on almost everything *and I intend on doing so this year as well ;)*
Dec. 22nd, 2004 02:56 pm (UTC)
Hehe me too :)

Hope you have a happy holidays Mrs. Tess :)
Dec. 21st, 2004 10:38 pm (UTC)
i totally agree...eat till sick! then eat some more
Dec. 22nd, 2004 02:56 pm (UTC)
Exactly the attitude I'm looking for! :D
Dec. 22nd, 2004 02:21 pm (UTC)
Oh the ways I could aruge every point. In cutlery school we learned the proper and improper standards of serving a buffet.

This post does prove one good point that is likely overlooked. It's Christmas and that is about more than just gifts and giving. It's also about enjoying yourself and finding solice in everything. What you wrote here is a perfect example of how you can do that if food be your paradise gate.

I likley won't be back until January, so happy everything between now and then Shar. Love and all that stuff.
Dec. 22nd, 2004 02:57 pm (UTC)
But but but...!


Well, I hope you and Charity and the kids have yourselves a wonderful Holiday season. Take lots of pictures!
Dec. 23rd, 2004 12:07 am (UTC)
I agree with all of those suggestions! Especially gravy!!! Merry Christmas.
Dec. 29th, 2004 03:31 pm (UTC)
Re: Christmas
You too Phil :) Merry Christmas!
Dec. 26th, 2004 07:55 am (UTC)
thank you thank you thank you!!
and Happy Holidays to you too......

Dec. 29th, 2004 03:32 pm (UTC)
:D Likewise!

I hope your holidays have been wonderful :)
( 13 comments — Leave a comment )

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