Ok, so this week hasn't sucked. I actually really like my job; I forgot just how much I like it. I also like getting a break from the kids. I don't like being away from them quite as much as I am though.

My ideal situation, would be as follows:
Work 3 days a week.
On one of the other days, take the kids to daycare late, have the day to myself to get things done/do errands/have "me" time, and pick them up from daycare early.
On the other day, keep the kids home with me, and schedule one fun outing with me and the kids.

That would be my ideal situation. Hands down.

To accomplish this, I need the University to give me a 25-50% raise.

I can dream, can't I?

Surprisingly, it's not Stephen who's having a tough time with me going back to work... it's Alex. She's acting up unbelievably. Very surprising since she's been attending daycare part-time almost my entire mat leave... I haven't been back to work long enough for her to notice a difference in terms of time.

The only thing that is different though, is the sense of urgency in the morning. It used to be much more relaxed... we got up when we got up. Now it's more like, "Ok, you've got to get up now!"

I suspect that may be what she's reacting to.

I go back to work March 09. My heart is breaking.

The last two days I have been taking Stephen to daycare and sitting there with him so he can get to know the daycare lady without freaking out.

I don't see how this is going to work out positively. I'm praying it will, but I just don't see how it will.

Last week he started crying "Mama" when he wanted me, or when something was wrong (which meant he wanted me).

I talked with my beloved daycare lady today a little more, and asked if her decision was final, or if the offer of more money might persuade her to change her mind. She chuckled a little bit and said no, the decision was made, but if she changed her mind, she'd let us know.

I probed a bit, and I got the following:

1) A strong feeling that she was just exhausted and needed a break. Possibly she took on too many kids this year.
2) A sense that her husband wasn't 100% supportive in her decision to retire.
3) A suspicion that they couldn't financially handle her not working for long, and she was going to have to eventually do something else.
4) Reassurance that she wants to keep in touch through scrapbooking if nothing else.
5) Confirmation that if she does go back to doing daycare, she would most certainly be raising her rates.
6) A sense of possibility that after she gets a much needed break and in addition finishes up some housing reno's that they've been putting off due to it upsetting the daycare, she might re-open.

Having said that, my family and friends have been quick to point out that this might not be a bad thing, because as much as we loved her, her situation wasn't necessarily ideal for our situation. Consider the following:

1) She catered to parents of teachers - daycare was open on days when school was in session and closed when school was out. This left me without daycare for the entire summer.
2) She liked to have the kids picked up at 4:30. While this was great for teachers, not so great for the 9-5 crowd. As it was, Jason and I had to request to have our hours adjusted to 8-4 to accomodate this. Let it be noted that I am not a morning person.
3) Normally a daycare that keeps school hours also tends to not be closed during school days unless it's for illness or special appointment, but in her case, an awful lot of special family events tended to happen in between school holidays. Again, this wasn't a huge hardship for us as we don't have kids in school anyway. If we did, this could be really difficult to deal with. Note that she didn't charge us for days that our children were not in her care.

Essentially what this means is that even though she was beyond awesome as a person and the environment was perfect, and we would and will pay more for her to continue to care for our children while we work, there will also be a little less stress in finding someone who has hours more consistant with ours. Because I'm on mat leave, we have the time to be a bit picky.

So. I'm not quite as devastated as last night... partially because I have a sneaking suspicion she might just call me in November asking if we'd still like her to babysit in the new year, and partially because I'm seeing things more clearly. Either way though, I'm still very very sad, although relieved that she wants to keep in touch. She has been there for my family when my own family let me down, and I don't want to let someone like that out of my life.

I'm so upset. Our beloved daycare lady has told us that at the end of June, she will be retiring. This means Alex won't be going back to her place in the fall, and I'll have to find another option for both kids.

This makes me so unbelievably sad... we just loved her. She had exactly the right environment I wanted for my children, and she's so kind and nurturing and loving... this is going to be a huge blow to the family. I honestly considered her to be a part of our extended family.

Alex is young enough that she'll probably adjust just fine, but my heart has just sunk to new levels of low. I'm not looking forward to trying to find her replacement, because I honestly don't think she can be replaced.