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Apr. 17th, 2005

Below is a copy of a letter that apparently won a competition in UK as complaint letter of the year. I received it in a forwarded email, and it's too funny not to share. Enjoy!

Complaint Letter of the Year.

Dear Cretins,
I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for your 3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, and telephone. During this three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service which I had not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity of monolithic proportions.

Please allow me to provide specific details, so that you can either pursue your professional perogative, and seek to rectify these difficulties - or more likely (I suspect) so that you can have some entertaining reading material as you while away the working day smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office: My initial installation was cancelled without warning, resulting in my spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting for your technician to arrive. When he did not arrive, I spent a further 57 minutes listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful website....HOW?

I alleviated the boredom by playing with my testicles for a few minutes- an activity at which you are no-doubt both familiar and highly adept.

The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later, although the technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools - such as a drill-bit, and his cerebrum. Two weeks later, my cable modem had still not arrived. After 15 telephone calls over 4 weeks my modem arrived... six weeks after I had requested it, and begun to pay for it.

I estimate your internet server's downtime is roughly 35%... hours between about 6pm -midnight, Mon-Fri, and most of the weekend. I am still waiting for my telephone connection. I have made 9 calls on my mobile to your no-help line, and have been unhelpfully transferred to a variety of disinterested individuals, who are it seems also highly skilled bollock jugglers.

I have been informed that a telephone line is available (and someone will call me back); that no telephone line is available (and someone will call me back); that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been cut off); that I will be transferred to someone (and then been redirected to an answer machine informing me that your office is closed); that I will be transferred to someone and then been redirected to the irritating Scottish robot woman...and several other variations on this theme.

Doubtless you are no longer reading this letter, as you have at least a thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another one of those crucially important testicle-moments to attend to. Frankly I don't care, it's far more satisfying as a customer to voice my frustration's in print than to shout them at your unending hold music. Forgive me, therefore, if I continue.

I thought BT were shit, that they had attained the holy piss-pot of godawful customer relations, that no-one, anywhere, ever, could be more disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering service to their customers. That's why I chose NTL, and because, well, there isn't anyone else is there? How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered to my considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless shower of bastards you truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of distended rectum incompetents of the highest order. British Telecom - wankers though they are - shine like brilliant beacons of success, in the filthy puss-filled mire of your seemingly limitless inadequacy. Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and foolhardy quest to receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that you cease any potential future attempts to extort payment from me for the services which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to deliver - any such activity will be greeted initially with hilarity and disbelief quickly be replaced by derision, and even perhaps bemused rage.

I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my cats litter tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for both you and your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not become desiccated during transit - they were satisfyingly moist at the time of posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did not experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider them the very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and its worthless employees.

Have a nice day - may it be the last in you miserable short life, you irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of twats.
John

Comments

( 17 comments — Leave a comment )
starshine2night
Apr. 18th, 2005 06:12 am (UTC)
ROFL!! That was so funny. I'm so glad you shared. I needed that.
sharya
Apr. 18th, 2005 05:41 pm (UTC)
I laughed so hard when I read it, I had to share :P
seeking_autumn
Apr. 18th, 2005 08:20 am (UTC)
Just a casual observance, but I don't think that bloke is cheery with his tele service. The kitty deposits were a great touch though.
sharya
Apr. 18th, 2005 05:42 pm (UTC)
I loved the kitty deposits :P

I wonder if he boxed them up seperately, of if they actually smeared all over the paper ;)
johnale88
Apr. 18th, 2005 12:00 pm (UTC)
Okay, help me understand something. Was this guy upset with his cable service? I can't tell....
sharya
Apr. 18th, 2005 05:42 pm (UTC)
:P
kraftygal
Apr. 18th, 2005 01:00 pm (UTC)
Ah, the power of the pen...and kitty poo!
sharya
Apr. 18th, 2005 05:42 pm (UTC)
I'm thinking the power of the kitty poo is going to be a bit more powerful in that particular instance :P
kraftygal
Apr. 18th, 2005 06:12 pm (UTC)
Oh yeah!
crak
Apr. 18th, 2005 02:51 pm (UTC)
moist, rich aroma, delicate texture, yum!
sharya
Apr. 18th, 2005 05:42 pm (UTC)
haha :P
perviepom
Apr. 18th, 2005 05:13 pm (UTC)
Well he's right about BT!
sharya
Apr. 18th, 2005 05:43 pm (UTC)
Hehe, when I was reading this, I thought of you and your internet troubles :P
whochewedmypen
Apr. 18th, 2005 05:28 pm (UTC)
Have I mentioned lately how much I love the British?
sharya
Apr. 18th, 2005 05:43 pm (UTC)
I know, they totally rock :P
aphotic_one
Apr. 19th, 2005 03:20 am (UTC)
I've always wanted to leave a letter like that. Perhaps one day, if proper motivation warrants such acts, I will. For now, though - humor.
sharya
Apr. 19th, 2005 01:26 pm (UTC)
Heh, the one that I did write that was supremely bitchy, started out being close, but I edited it considerably so it wasn't offensive, just direct and to the point.

It's coming up in my ex-friend series.
( 17 comments — Leave a comment )

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